Nakedness, and the dangers of procrastination

[lnr]

Nearly 3 years ago Jan and I did a photoshoot together, in varying degrees of nakedness. I had fun and was really pleased with some of the photos. One of them is the icon on this post. Some of you will have seen some or all of the others.

Now in the intervening time I've done one thing extremely well: put on weight. I was at my thinnest for those pics, and really really pleased with how I looked. And now I'm up for getting some pics taken for a naked calendar of me and a circle of my friends. I'm the fattest I've ever been, and really not too chuffed at all with what I look like, for what I think are pretty obvious reasons. And I'm not talking the difference between Kate Moss and Kate Winslet here. (Yes, I'm still pretty, but I'm *fat* and pretty and it's nowhere near as lovely, and in some ways it's just plain unpleasant). I don't care if it's a social construct that people in the west find fat unattractive or not because *I* find it unattractive on me. Any photos of me at all make me wince a bit at the moment, and that's with clothes on.

So yeah, I have pretty cold feet about it. I'm still going to do it. But I've just spend too much of the afternoon faffing so it won't be today. Just want to get it over now, and I've procrastinated myself out of that for today just when I was beginning to psyche myself up.

Edit: well it's done. Some of them are nice, if fat. I don't feel too bad about it.

Comments

*hug*

[ex-lark-asc.livejournal.com]

I was dreading my shoot as well; I'm more or less exactly in your shoes. It actually wasn't nearly as bad as I was expecting; in fact, afterwards I felt really sexy, because our photographer is a very talented lad and he managed to find some really nice angles that made me look properly good, not just 'OK for my size'. I'd suggest inviting your current boyfriend over for the shoot - having M around being delighted by naked-me and smug about it afterwards was a big help :)

Re: *hug*

[lnr]

Well, apart from the a) not being as big as me and b) not having been so recently and easily comparably small.

But yeah, that's a good idea. I might try it. And rjk really does take good pics, yes.

Re: *hug*

[ex-lark-asc.livejournal.com]

I dispute (b), I've put on nearly a stone in the last three months, which makes much more of a difference when you're starting lower in the first place :/ But I stand by my advice. Feeling good about yourself is relative.

Re: *hug*

[lnr]

It's the easy photographic comparison between "this time" and "last time" with 5 dress sizes and nearly 6 stone difference that's the big hurdle.

But I do know what you mean about a stone being much worse if you're smaller than if you're bigger, and you do have my sympathy.

Re: *hug*

[juggzy.livejournal.com]

It's all in the mind, isn't it? I'm at my lowest for some time - possibly eight years, but to me, I still look like shit. It's how happy you are with yourself - it's how happy those around you make you feel about yourself.

Re: *hug*

[lnr]

All: no. A lot of it: yes.

Mike manages to make me feel sexy yes, but that doesn't stop me knowing that he doesn't really know how much better I could look if I could be arsed.

But it does take a long while for selfimage to catch up when you change a lot. I remember mirrors surprising me lots everytime I saw myself when I was thin for a while. Hopefully yours will catch up soon. And go you!

Oh yeah, and as I said to Ernie on irc earlier today: I feel so *stupid* for doing what everyone who ever diets does and putting it all back on and more.

Re: *hug*

[juggzy.livejournal.com]

Hopefully yours will catch up soon.

I really doubt it. It's about far more than weight.

And go you!

Thanks! I want to be invisible, actually.

Re: *hug*

[lnr]

*hug*

Re: *hug*

[lnr]

And thanks.

Re: *hug*

[ex-lark-asc.livejournal.com]

No problem.

Re: *hug*

[damerell.livejournal.com]

You came out absolutely devastating, actually. You may attribute that to the skill of the photographer if you wish. :-)

Re: *hug*

[ex-lark-asc.livejournal.com]

Actually I attribute it to the fact that you find larger girls attractive. I always know I'm putting weight on when you start giving me compliments :-P

[karen2205]

I've never liked photos of me - even when I was a lot younger and thinner, I had acne from when I was ten or so and looked awful. I forget exactly what shape I am and am always shocked when I see what I look like in pictures. I really should buy a full length mirror so that I keep a better mental image of how I look to other people in my head.

I can't imagine ever letting anyone take pictures of a naked me and particularly not photos that were going to be seen by my friends. But that's more to do with me not really being comfortable with being naked with more than one other person anyway, regardless of body image stuff.

Good luck with it - hope the calendar works well:)

[ewx.livejournal.com]

Many people dislike pictures of themselves, even if (to everyone else) they look perfectly fine. Kind of a shame, but perhaps better than the opposite extreme?

[kake]

It might rather be that people feel freer to criticise photos of themselves than photos of other people. I don't think the ratio of good photos of me:bad photos of me is any different from the ratio of good photos of person X:bad photos of person X (for any given X that I can think of), but whereas I'm only likely to offend the photographer if I say I don't like a photo of me (and, well, they started it!), I run the risk of offending both photographer and subject if I say I don't like a photo of someone else.

[lnr]

I think it's a bit of both. And varies a lot with self-image.

[ewx.livejournal.com]

I'm sure there's an element of that - people do sometimes complain about specific things. (Which the photographer can then treat as a technical challenge...)

But quite a few people do seem to dislike pretty much all images of themselves.

[karen2205]

I don't think I've ever come across anyone who loves pictures of themselves, let alone anyone who loves pictures that everyone else thinks are bad. But yes, point taken.

[deborah_c]

I very rarely find any pictures of myself that I actually like -- I have only two userpics because those are the only two photos taken in the last few years that I like, although I have a third one I'm mulling over now...

I have terrible body image issues anyway, and the idea of being seen naked by, well, almost anyone, is very difficult for me; the idea that anyone would want to look is completely laughable.

[karen2205]

I've got some pictures of me as userpics (http://www.livejournal.com/allpics.bml?user=karen2205) but I'm lazy and never bother to use anything other than my default icon:)

I look terribly pale in photos - I don't think of myself as pale, because I'm darker than my mother and sister, but my face is very very pale and I can't hide this in photos.

I have terrible body image issues anyway, and the idea of being seen naked by, well, almost anyone, is very difficult for me; the idea that anyone would want to look is completely laughable.

*nods*, me too. It's getting easier for me as I do more sexual things with people, because that means I'm going to get something nice from being naked, but it's still not something I'm generally happy about.

[deborah_c]

*chooses other userpic by way of variety* :-)

For me, I just hate the way my face always looks in photos. I'm not exactly keen on the way the rest of me looks either, but my face is the worst part. Flash shows up all the awkward angles, all the imperfections and blemishes, all the shadows and aging, and reminds me horribly of my own mortality, I suppose.

(Gosh, that was melodramatic, even by LJ standards, wasn't it? I may be getting the hang of this teenage angst thing...)

I'm going to get something nice

Yes, I can understand that last part. My sex life, though, such as it ever was, has been completely dead for the last three years and seems really rather likely to stay that way for the foreseeable future. I suppose it's all part of a vicious circle: my self-esteem is pretty minimal, and my self-image is so awful that I can't imagine anyone ever being attracted, and that feeds straight back into my image of myself. Seeing as the one person I've ever had a relationship with really doesn't want to see me naked any more, it's not wholly unfounded, although I'm aware I'm probably harsher on myself than most people would be. And I've always been fairly prudish about other people seeing me anyway, I suppose: that's probably at least in part from growing up at boarding school with people I hated.

[karen2205]

Except when I'm whinging that the entire shape of my face is wrong (http://www.livejournal.com/users/karen2205/151001.html), I'm normally reasonably happy with my face (except for not being able to smile evenly) in comparison to the rest of my body.

My sex life, though, such as it ever was, has been completely dead for the last three years and seems really rather likely to stay that way for the foreseeable future.

Mine's only just starting. You can read stuff in my journal, if you want, but I'm a bit wary of saying more on a public post.

my self-image is so awful that I can't imagine anyone ever being attracted, and that feeds straight back into my image of myself.

Oh yes, I know that one. I am immediately suspicious of anyone who tells me I'm attractive. I tend to respond with something like 'But you can't possibly believe that.'.

although I'm aware I'm probably harsher on myself than most people would be.

I think everyone is harsher on themselves than other people are:-(

[damerell.livejournal.com]

In extremis, I suppose we could nominate one of the old set, although they're not really stylistically consistent...

[lnr]

Nah, that would probably only make me feel worse. Don't worry, I'll do it. And like V says I'll hopefully feel better afterwards.

[damerell.livejournal.com]

I'd insert the usual reassuring remark but frankly you already know that.

[lnr]

Indeed, and while we all know your taste in women is geared more towards the chubbier end of thing it's still good to know.