Nakedness, and the dangers of procrastination

[lnr]

Nearly 3 years ago Jan and I did a photoshoot together, in varying degrees of nakedness. I had fun and was really pleased with some of the photos. One of them is the icon on this post. Some of you will have seen some or all of the others.

Now in the intervening time I've done one thing extremely well: put on weight. I was at my thinnest for those pics, and really really pleased with how I looked. And now I'm up for getting some pics taken for a naked calendar of me and a circle of my friends. I'm the fattest I've ever been, and really not too chuffed at all with what I look like, for what I think are pretty obvious reasons. And I'm not talking the difference between Kate Moss and Kate Winslet here. (Yes, I'm still pretty, but I'm *fat* and pretty and it's nowhere near as lovely, and in some ways it's just plain unpleasant). I don't care if it's a social construct that people in the west find fat unattractive or not because *I* find it unattractive on me. Any photos of me at all make me wince a bit at the moment, and that's with clothes on.

So yeah, I have pretty cold feet about it. I'm still going to do it. But I've just spend too much of the afternoon faffing so it won't be today. Just want to get it over now, and I've procrastinated myself out of that for today just when I was beginning to psyche myself up.

Edit: well it's done. Some of them are nice, if fat. I don't feel too bad about it.

Comments

[deborah_c]

*chooses other userpic by way of variety* :-)

For me, I just hate the way my face always looks in photos. I'm not exactly keen on the way the rest of me looks either, but my face is the worst part. Flash shows up all the awkward angles, all the imperfections and blemishes, all the shadows and aging, and reminds me horribly of my own mortality, I suppose.

(Gosh, that was melodramatic, even by LJ standards, wasn't it? I may be getting the hang of this teenage angst thing...)

I'm going to get something nice

Yes, I can understand that last part. My sex life, though, such as it ever was, has been completely dead for the last three years and seems really rather likely to stay that way for the foreseeable future. I suppose it's all part of a vicious circle: my self-esteem is pretty minimal, and my self-image is so awful that I can't imagine anyone ever being attracted, and that feeds straight back into my image of myself. Seeing as the one person I've ever had a relationship with really doesn't want to see me naked any more, it's not wholly unfounded, although I'm aware I'm probably harsher on myself than most people would be. And I've always been fairly prudish about other people seeing me anyway, I suppose: that's probably at least in part from growing up at boarding school with people I hated.

[karen2205]

Except when I'm whinging that the entire shape of my face is wrong (http://www.livejournal.com/users/karen2205/151001.html), I'm normally reasonably happy with my face (except for not being able to smile evenly) in comparison to the rest of my body.

My sex life, though, such as it ever was, has been completely dead for the last three years and seems really rather likely to stay that way for the foreseeable future.

Mine's only just starting. You can read stuff in my journal, if you want, but I'm a bit wary of saying more on a public post.

my self-image is so awful that I can't imagine anyone ever being attracted, and that feeds straight back into my image of myself.

Oh yes, I know that one. I am immediately suspicious of anyone who tells me I'm attractive. I tend to respond with something like 'But you can't possibly believe that.'.

although I'm aware I'm probably harsher on myself than most people would be.

I think everyone is harsher on themselves than other people are:-(