*sigh*

[lnr]

Now I'm snapping at Richard for wanting to avoid August, and snapping at August for sounding slightly disappointed at me going along with it, and cross with myself more than anything. I don't know WTF I'm supposed to do that won't feel like I'm letting people down, and will actually make me feel happy too. And this is about the 5th thing I've written in the last few days and immediately wanted to delete without posting, but for once I'll resist.

Comments

[hoiho.livejournal.com]

snapping at August

Maybe I'm dense, but I didn't feel you were snapping at me.

[damned-colonial.livejournal.com]

I'd like to avoid August too. Too damn humid. Roll on, September!

[hoiho.livejournal.com]

Summer flies, and August dies...

[lnr]

Well, at least you'll find Jan in the pub. I'm sure she can revive you.

[imc.livejournal.com]

I generally find January far too cold.

[j4.livejournal.com]

<sigh>

I was hoping to see you at the pub, and was intending to ask you by email or on irc which pub you were going to; but as you know I ended up not being able to do irc or email from work. Okay, so maybe I should have SMSd instead. I'm sorry. I didn't want to see the film, though, and I didn't think there was much point in going to a pub which was twice as far away when everybody else was going to leave not long after I'd got there, so I decided to just go to the Carlton anyway.

[lnr]

*hugs* sorry.

[j4.livejournal.com]

It's okay. *hugs* I'm just sorry if I make things worse.

[lnr]

You don't, but you're right that it's awkward, and I'm just sorry the awkwardness makes it hard for me to be properly friends and actually *see* you much at the moment. I'm running a bit on empty after so little sleep all week though, so I'm sorry if it's made me a bit overly stroppy.

Just want to sleep, so of course we're doing B movie tonight instead.

[j4.livejournal.com]

I'm just sorry the awkwardness makes it hard for me to be properly friends and actually *see* you much at the moment.

I'm sorry about that too. I'd love to see you, though, despite the awkwardness... maybe we could meet up for a coffee or something some time?

I'm running a bit on empty after so little sleep all week though, so I'm sorry if it's made me a bit overly stroppy.

*hugs* I definitely sympathise on the lack-of-sleep front.

Just want to sleep, so of course we're doing B movie tonight instead.

Hmmm. :-) Hope you have fun... I'd love to go but a) I can't really afford it, b) I have stuff to do on Saturday, and c) I need to get some sleep this weekend if I'm going to stand a chance at the grading on Sunday.

[lnr]

Coffee sometime (or lunch maybe next Friday or Thursday if you get town time?) would be lovely. Hope you enjoy the gig tonight anyway. And good luck with the grading on Sunday.

[daneel-olivaw.livejournal.com]

I don't know WTF I'm supposed to do that won't feel like I'm letting people down...

We're allowed to have tantrums every now and again, and it sounds like you are due one. Do what you feel like doing (even if that is faff and change your mind at the last minute, or even shout, wail and scream). People around you will cope with this, be aware that it's temporary, and that normal service will be resumed shortly. Yes, and maybe this is putting your own interests over and above those of others, but how many times have you put your interests asside for other people? It's passed your turn...

[lnr]

That was a tantrum, or as close as I get. I don't *like* hurting other people, so it hardly makes me happy to do things that make them miserable. And since I have no clue whatsover if there even *is* a route which would make me happy even at the expense of other people, I can hardly choose to take it anyway.

I can have fun, I have been having fun, and it does keep the darkness away while it's happening. And maybe hiding from it temporarily like this is all I *can* do to be honest at the moment. But it doesn't make the bleak bits in between go away.

[sampiano.livejournal.com]

Hey, it sounds to me like you care a little too much about everybody and everything. Which makes you one of the nicest people in the world but very vunerable to hurting yourself. I know exactly how you feel, I'm the same. And if you really want to know, everything you write which you claim you want to delete or is pathetic or anything, I really enjoy reading because it makes me feel like I'm not alone in having such thoughts.

Not sure what I can say that is helpful, other than don't come and live on Long Island :) Try this though; just decide you are going to be happy one day, and be happy no matter what. Don't worry about anything or anybody for a bit, switch your mind off to them. Much easier said than done, but it can be done if you want to.

Or go find a cute baby to play with for a few hours... :)

[lnr]

*blush* You're too kind. I'm really not that nice.

I'm alternately angry at Richard and August for the things each of them have done that have contributed to the state things are in. Angry at anyone who criticises either of them for it though. Angry at myself for hurting either or both of them, and for blaming anyone else for a state obviously I *chose* to be in right?, and for letting it get in the way of friendships at a time when people need friends.

And I'm just tired of being sad and angry. But there isn't an answer. Just keep on hoping and waiting for it to get better, keep on gently pushing people to try and deal with their fears and to try and deal with my own, keep on trying to push the black bits away as much as possible and enjoy the good things.