Kitties

[lnr]

If I were a cat, I would be a… Snow Leopard! The Snow Leopard (Uncia uncia) is a gorgeous spotted feline with long fluffy fur who, as the name implies, calls the snowy regions of Asia its home. As a Snow Leopard, you are a very sentimental creature. You have certain friends, places, and routines that are special to you. You tend not to be loud or outgoing, preferring to sit back and observe life as it happens around you.

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Fed up of being fed up now. RJK being lovely. Doesn't make it go away though. It's OK to know I've got to give it time but how long? Even the electrician in the dept was asking if I was OK today, and I only know him to say hi in the corridor.

Update: Damn, and now I know he's back (posting to usenet) and I have new mail and I'm scared even to see who it's from never mind read it. I'm sick of a week of peering at phones wondering if he's going to say anything in response to a texted hug. I'm sick of feeling like I'm not allowed to miss him, but I do feel like it's unfair to expect anything of him when I'm the one who did the leaving in the fire swamp. Fed up of feeling guilty for loving someone and not being able to stop. Fed up of feeling so bad I can't work or sleep and I'm not convinced about eating. Fed up of the headaches and the stomach feeling sick too. Sick of keeping it all inside because I don't want to hurt anyone else. I don't want to hurt any more.

Comments

[k425.livejournal.com]

There's no specific length, but it will get better.

I feel like I'm throwing hugs around at the moment, but I only offer them to people I care about. So, here's yours! (Hug)

[catyak]

Sometimes life just sucks. I work on the principle that I have to experience bad times in order to properly appreciate the good ones (this does at least help with the bad bits). Also, one often has to give up something good in order to get something better, especially true of relationships. However, it doesn't help with the period between the giving up and finding the new, that's usually filled with profound questions such as "could I have done something different?" and "did I make a mistake?"

If you accept hugs from strange men then have this one: {hug}

D

[lnr]

Hugs always welcome. Keep trying to work out if I should know who you (and your other half) are.

Of course the whole polyamory thing just complicates things. I wasn't looking for someone else then, and I'm not looking now. I still have a partner I love very much, and am very happy with. Still have to see how it goes, I'll live.

[catyak]

As far as I know we've never actually met but we do appear to have friends and/or friends-of-friends in common. Not sure if you've tagged the LJ identity with the cam.misc postings though.

D

[lnr]

Aha! That was enough of a clue to work out who you are :-)

Don't have to have actually met people to consider I know them, at least a bit.

[j4.livejournal.com]

*HUGS*

I'm sick of a week of peering at phones wondering if he's going to say anything in response to a texted hug.

I'm really sorry if me whinging about lack of texts yesterday was just making things worse. FWIW he did say last night that he'd had really dodgy reception in Wales & he had to go outside every time he wanted to send a text. (Which would obviously be a bit awkward with family around all the time.) But if he hasn't emailed & told you that as well by now, then he wants a kicking.

I'm sick of feeling like I'm not allowed to miss him, but I do feel like it's unfair to expect anything of him when I'm the one who did the leaving in the fire swamp.

You're allowed to miss him. It's not a question of "allowed". I doubt if there's any way you could stop missing him. And I certainly don't think it's unfair to expect him to keep in touch and reply to stuff, or at least to let you know when he's going to be out of touch.

Sick of keeping it all inside because I don't want to hurt anyone else. I don't want to hurt any more.

I don't want you to keep any of it inside on my account. I mean that. I just wish there was something more I could do to ease the hurt. I know I'm probably the worst person to try to help you -- I feel like I'm making things worse just by existing -- but if you do want to come and cry on me at any point then give me a shout, you know where I am.

[lnr]

I'm really sorry if me whinging about lack of texts yesterday was just making things worse.

Nah, s'ok, it wasn't a problem. He did mention the trouble with signal by mail once he got back, yeah.

And it's not just you I don't want to hurt: but I do feel like it's not fair to dump things on you, especially if you're still worried about how much he cares about you. And you don't make things worse, you help lots. I might take you up on that last at some point, but not today, since I *am* feeling much better than I was.