On a more serious note

[lnr]

Ernie (who I think I'm going to have to call that for a while to avoid terminal confusion) points out that it seems contradictory for me to be pulling when I've said that it's not something I was trying to do. And I've certainly told enough people lately that I'm not on the pull. I'm not sure I can untangle that completely. I mean while in some way I feel like "it just sort of happened" it certainly wouldn't have if I hadn't gone with the flow and been moderately encouraging. In the Kambar we just danced and grinned at each other, I didn't have to ask Mike for his phone number. I didn't have to go out for a drink, and I didn't have to say yes when he asked for a kiss at closing time. (After that it all got a bit more inevitable, but even so I could have stopped if I wanted). So obviously some part of me really wanted this. Even while the rest of me didn't go out on purpose looking for it. And part of me still thinks that it's a bad idea while I'm still so fond of Ernie.

And I don't want to spend the rest of my life falling from one boyfriend to another just because they happened to be interested and nice when I was (briefly) single (or not even that). I've spent the last 12 years going from one partner to another with little or no break, or lots of overlap. It'd be good for me to take a longer than 3 month break from that. But if I meet someone really nice and fun, who seems to think I'm nice and fun too, and it seems like I have, should I turn my back on it? Well, we'll see. But I am going to meet up with him again later this week, and I'm looking forward to it.

Comments

[dragonwoodshed.livejournal.com]

I took a two year break between the one-who-cannot-be-named-love-of-my-life and the latest installment - DON'T DO IT!

[lnr]

Don't take a break or don't start seeing him?

[martling.livejournal.com]

Just two cents from a distance (hello, long time no see), but for what it's worth I don't think that's contradictory. You can't tell when good things will come up.

[lnr]

Well, yes and no. I think it wouldn't have turned up without explicit encouragement from me, IYSWIM.

[dragonwoodshed.livejournal.com]

Sorry - DON'T TAKE A BREAK! Well, not a whole two years anyway, then you start idealizing them to a scary point. Going with the flow has a lot to be said for it.

[j4.livejournal.com]

[oops, hit post by accident halfway through writing there... try again]

I don't think it's contradictory to pull when it's not something you're trying to do -- there's a difference between desperately hunting for somebody and being open to opportunities. I've never really believed in this idea that you've got to have a decent period of mourning between relationships -- and it's particularly suspect when it's the guy who dumped you who's telling you you're not allowed to pull again yet! So long as you're honest with everybody (including yourself) about how you're feeling, I don't think there's anything wrong with it. Maybe it will turn out to be a bad idea, but bad ideas aren't usually the end of the world.

[k425.livejournal.com]

I agree with j4 here. There's nothing to untangle. You didn't go out to pull, someone showed an interest and you encouraged that because you were interested. Rather different from going out with the idea of finding someone, making a move and taking it from there.

I'm also not sure about having a decent break. If you don't feel like getting involved then fine, but if something/one turns up and you're interested then turning that opportunity down seems a bit like stamping on your own foot. It all might turn out to be the best thing ever, it might turn out to be a bit of a mistake, but you won't know if you say no without trying.

[ex-lark-asc.livejournal.com]

I've done a lot of the 'hanging around an ex I'm still deeply fond of' thing, and I honestly think that finding other stuff to enjoy is a very good idea; it helps you keep your sense of perspective, which is vital. Nobody said you have to take this new thing deeply seriously; stay within your comfort zone, keep your options open if you need to, but give yourself a break and have something that's straightforward and enjoyable. You don't have to be miserable.