Thoughts

[lnr]

OK, so I haven't said much about how I am and what's going on recently. Up and down still. One very lovely evening with Jan, even if Richard being around made us shyer than we might otherwise have been. And a reasonably good time, though tired and quiet, in the pub last night. Stayed the same weight this week (proper update when I remember at home) which is somewhat disappointing given I've been very good, but probably just still a hangover from being very very bad indeed the week before. And work's going pretty well: my perl news handling stuff works quite nicely now, with some help from simont in the form of reading his nntpid code to work out how to do it in the first place. I gave up on Net::NNTP when I realised I apparently couldn't get the actual response from the server, only an indication of success or failure, which made it very hard indeed to discover *why* it wasn't accepting my articles! Broken Date headers for the most part I think actually.

Given all this positive stuff though I dunno why I still have so much down at the moment. Even the bits I can articulate at all I can't think of how to say without sounding bitchy, which is infuriating. Despite reassurances and so on I still feel too much like I'm having to compete with Vicky for Richard's attention. Little things like the fact he pays attention to what Vicky thinks of his clothes and hair, despite never having seemed to take any notice if I do. I'm sure it's just really the whole New Relationship Energy thing when compared to how comfortable we've grown together over the years, but it's still difficult. And having Vicky being perky at me about how happy they are together doesn't eally help either, no matter how happy I am to see it on the one hand. Stupid conflicts between wanting them to be getting on well and seeing each other and so on and it hurting when they do. Dunno what to do about it all really.

And I'm still tired, and have been all week, and with a busy weekend coming up don't see that making much improvement. Although I am looking forward to things.

Comments

[daneel-olivaw.livejournal.com]

Given all this positive stuff though I dunno why I still have so much down at the moment. Even the bits I can articulate at all I can't think of how to say without sounding bitchy, which is infuriating.

Firstly, you don't need a reason to feel down. I know I don't! I was completely down yesterday for no good reason, despite a good date with violetsrose the previous night. I know it can help to blame being down on something, but don't feel it is in any way compulsory.

Secondly; perhaps (depending on the direction the bitchiness is pointing) not writing it down here is advisable, but vent the anger somewhere. The anger is real (even if the cause is irrational) and suppressing it is not going to help. I know I tend not to acknowledge my cracked-record rants and irrationality unless I realise that I've written this all down before. You can point them at my inbox if you'd like...

[/2p]