The past slips away

[lnr]

Strange mood, at least partly brought on by the A-Z quiz. Number of partners you see. I *think* I've still managed to list them all by first name. In more or less the right order, and I only nearly missed one of them out. And I could mostly add surnames too, apart from the one I never knew. But also apart from Ian. And given what a giant milestone in my life that was I just can't quite believe I can't even remember his name properly. I don't want to forget. I feel like it ought to be branded into me forever just how bad things can be when you *really* fuck up. I don't hate myself for it any more, and I don't even really blame myself for the eventual outcome, but while I don't think it would be good for me to dwell on it much or spend too much time remembering how bad I felt at the time I don't want to let it just drift away. And remembering his name would be part of remembering the good things about it too. Which are worth hanging onto.

Comments

[j4.livejournal.com]

*HUGS*

I feel like it ought to be branded into me forever just how bad things can be when you *really* fuck up.

Why? Who's that going to help? You've learned from it; you don't need to keep beating yourself over the head with it.

And letting things like names and numbers drift away isn't a sign of stopping caring. You still remember him, the real him, not some arbitrary string of letters.

[lnr]

It's not so much beating myself over the head with it. It's a good way of reminding myself that really I'm not *so* bad some of the time actually, so almost the opposite.

And the last sentence is more or less how I feel about it too, which is why just a strange mood not actually feeling all that bad. Just bemused that it's slipped away somehow without me noticing.

[reddragdiva]

Heh. Sat down and wrote out the list early last year. Just to make sure I could remember. I do have all the first names at least.

[damerell.livejournal.com]

"Hello my name is SARAH how may I serve you?"

A friend of mind protests of one incident that he knew her name in the evening, but was too drunk to remember it the morning after. Hmmm.