Polyness

[lnr]

So I'm not completely mono, I've known this for years. But Richard is definitely somewhat more poly than me. And going through a rough patch at the moment makes me more insecure and hence less good at dealing with it. But hell he's good at making me feel better about stuff, we talked and well stuff until about 3 last night, which was a bit silly really with the alarm going off at 8, but never mind, well worth it.

It would help if there was anyone I was much interested in at the moment, I guess. But still, we've talked about limits, where they should be now and the fact that they might move in the future as I get more comfortable with stuff and used to the idea. And I give him my blessing though it makes me nervous.

[No longer friends-only]

Comments

[simonb.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I can sympathise with you since as you probably know E-J and I are in an open relationship. However E-J has what I call a refined taste in men (she calls it being picky :) and I'm much more open with my affections (i.e. I can be a completely slut/tart at times :).

What we did have is the power of veto over the partners we could choose, so E-J could veto a partner of mine and visa versa. I say "did have" since before DWcon I gave up my veto over E-J's choice of partners since I trusted her judgement in partners, etc.

She has kept her veto over me (with my blessing I have to add) given my not-so-great track record in choosing partners in the past :)

[lnr]

I guess we haven't really thought about a veto. Needless to say it would probably have occured by now if I actually objected to any of the people he's shown an interest in :-)

[simonb.livejournal.com]

*smile* that is probably a good thing; E-J has needed to use her veto on two different people so far.

I was the one who suggested that we put a veto into our agreement as I know that my choices in partners sometimes leaves a lot to be desired... I definately don't want to have another evil-Christ style relationship in this lifetime if I can help it.

[mobbsy.livejournal.com]

Are formal agreements useful? This is probably one for several major essays, but random opinions are welcome.

I haven't felt the need for a formal agreement, but see that there's the potential situation where by the time I felt the need it might be too late.

I would be better off posting to a newsgroup, or wider forum, but haven't liked the look of any poly newsgroup I've lurked on.

(I also often misspelled "definitely" until I noticed the "finite" in the middle.)

[lnr]

Personally I think I prefer to just talk about stuff rather than having any particular formal agreement. But I can see why that might not suit everyone.

IKWYM about poly newsgroups.

And *hugs* FWIW.

[mobbsy.livejournal.com]

Thanks, hugs are appreciated, and *hugs* in return. Hope you're feeling OK.

[lnr]

Yeah, I'm pretty much OK. Similar issues came up a few weeks back with someone else, but that was less of a surprise in a lot of ways and I think I was more prepared for it.

We should talk some time maybe :-)

[ewx.livejournal.com]

So is the lj poly community any good? I'd quite strongly prefer to avoid anything with the soc.bi nature...

[meirion.livejournal.com]

i think it's rather touchy-feely wishy-washy, although i've only looked in on occasion. although, there are several lj poly communities, so ... ;-)

i'm pretty happy with alt.polyamory myself; it seems to have more of a bofh nature (as in, expecting clue) than a soc.bi nature (as in, being randomly nasty to random people for no readily discernable reason). i prefer alt.polyamory to uk.people.polyamorous by quite a way.

-m-

[ex-lark-asc.livejournal.com]

polyamory seems to be very supportive and knowledgeable from what (little) I've seen; I'd get round to delurking if I wasn't so shy :) A couple of the others struck me as a bit vague and nonhelpful, though..

[simonb.livejournal.com]

They can be. If nothing else they can bring eveything out into the open so that there is less chance of misinterpretations later on.... so hopefully problems occuring because of incorrect assumptions (i.e. "But I thought you wouldn't mind!") have less of a chance to happen.

The agreement E-J (my wife) and I have is relatively simple. Its not something which we spent hours and hours thrashing out, more something we came up with when we moved our relationship to being an open one. Its also slowly evolved over time, as these things do.

• E-J and I are primary partners. Whilst other partners may come and go over time, we want to be together for the rest of our lives; this is main reason we got married
• E-J and I are fluid bonded so that we'll only use condoms if we need to. However with other partners the use of condoms is always required
• You can snog someone without checking with your partner first, however you have to then tell your partner that you snogged that person. In my case I can also do normal massage without asking E-J first as well; we both know that me having to ask permission before I'd massage people would be painful as I'm such a massage slut. However most of the time I'll just massage people through their clothing so its less of an issue than it would appear to be on the surface.
• Anything more than a snog requires the permission of your partner. It should be noted that this is the veto I recently relinquished over E-J as I trust her judgement. However if stuff does happen then naturally we'll still talk about it afterwards.
• Communication is important - so if you're not happy with a relationship your partner is in then you should tell them when you start to have issues with it
• Our bedroom is a place only for E-J and myself. So play with other partners has to occur elsewhere.

Hmmmm - those seem quite complex on reading them. However a lot of them would be common curtsey and good communication to me, so day-to-day its not a problem to follow the above.

The agreement above is what works for E-J and I right now; it may not work for other people as EPID and there are probably more types of poly than there are poly people :)

Don't forget that there is also a good polyamory community here on LJ.

[mobbsy.livejournal.com]

Thanks. That was interesting. I'm sort of working on the principle that with enough communication, everything can work itself out. I suppose most of your rules mainly eliminate the need for communication where it isn't necessary, because you've agreed to some absolutes. Possibly something like that will evolve.

[simonb.livejournal.com]

I'd agree when it comes to communication. The stuff I wrote down in my previous comment has evolved over a period of several years and as you say, it does cut down on the need for unnecessary communication.

Or phone calls like "There is this really cute MOTAS here, can I start snogging them" for that matter :)

[ceb.livejournal.com]

Simes (simonb) wrote,
They can be. If nothing else they can bring eveything out into the open so that there is less chance of misinterpretations later on.... so hopefully problems occuring because of incorrect assumptions (i.e. "But I thought you wouldn't mind!") have less of a chance to happen.

They're also very good for working out what you actually feel/want and where your boundaries are, particularly if you're new to poly and haven't had to think them through before.

The agreement E-J (my wife) and I have is relatively simple. Its not something which we spent hours and hours thrashing out, more something we came up with when we moved our relationship to being an open one. Its also slowly evolved over time, as these things do.

*nods* In my relationships, too, agreements have been reached over time and with talking. Sometimes things happen the other way, though - a formal agreement to start with can be a good way of setting down a set of initial ground rules to make a nervous partner feel safer.

The important thing to remember, though, is there's no One True Way of doing things. Don't do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable just because someone's said that's the right way to do things. You don't have to go for all or nothing - it's OK to say `I'm happy with X and Y but not Z'. It's even OK to say `you can try this once but then we talk about it before you do it again', because sometimes it's hard to know how you'll react to things. If you try working with a set of ground rules and they make you unhappy, then you're (of course!) allowed to talk about them and change them. They should be there as a reflection of your current boundaries and promises, not as some awkward bit of bureaucracy.

The way you find these boundaries is to talk. Start off by talking to your partner about the relationship. Don't assume *anything* about it - do it from first principles. Talk through things you like about it and things you don't like (now's the time to kill any mis-matched assumptions ;-). Talk about things that might happen and how you feel about them. When something new happens, talk about your reactions (don't expect your partner to be a mind-reader!). Talk to the other people involved too. If you can find a newsgroup or mailing list with a sensible level of fluffiness, talk to them.

Think about all the things that might happen and how they might make you feel. Read things too. I also have problems with the poly newsgroups; I found a saner and less fluffy place to start is The Ethical Slut (borrow IWJ's copy) and the alt.polyamory FAQs (at www.polyamory.org), particularly `How to fuck up', which is quite the best guide to relationships I've ever found ;-)

(And feel free to witter at me IRL/by mail if it seems helpful.)

[meirion.livejournal.com]

do you really find alt.polyamory fluffy ? *boggle*

-m-