The morning after

[lnr]

Don't know how late it was before I slept last night, but it was late enough though Richard holding me tight helped. And when I finally got up this morning I was afraid of what I would read when I logged on. Sympathy I don't feel I deserve, and an unnecessary apology for hurting me in a way that wasn't really his fault anyway. How can I keep asking someone to love me when all it can do is hurt them? And yet I do. Feel bad for timing being miserable so badly too, when people are ill and stressed themselves.

Spent the day pottering, pleasant enough. And nice to have #cakes be lively for a change, even if it still feels somehow slightly awkward and wrong now Richard walked out and won't come back. Haircut in the afternoon, pleased with the results, though I am covered in little tiny bits of pink and brown hair. The offcuts on the floor made me smile. Over to Jan's for coffee afterwards and to feed her the redcurrants I'd realised I didn't actually like after all. Stupid to buy them just because they were on special offer and are good on the diet. And a hug goodbye and hopefully some way towards convincing her that I'm happy for her and August, and that if anything it makes me feel better to know they're there for each other, when I can't be.

Had a nice evening since I got back anyway, Starcraft, a nice dinner, coffee and posh chocs curled up with a book and the stereo playing. Computer still arsey to boot in Windows, and it seems there are no drivers for the onboard soundcard in win95, which made the starcraft very odd indeed, I've not played it with no sound before and it's amazing how much you rely on it. Surprised I made an even vaguely respectable stab at staying alive, though rjk was diplomatic about how useless I may or may not have been. May have to upgrade to a later version if I want to get sound working though. And the reinstall would probably fix the boot problems too. Just the question is what do I go for? And how do I afford it at that. The new computer only cost me 160 quid, 165 for a new XP licence would seem daft on top of that.

Other stuff inbetween that I can't talk about here, since I've promised myself not to tell Richard things via LJ if I can help it, and I've been too much of a wimp to mention them. Perhaps oblique references here will make me face up to it though. Quiet sort of mood now. Contemplative, though not exactly unhappy. The calm after a storm perhaps.

Update: I did talk to rjk in the end. And what was it anyway? Just that August appeared at Jan's while I was there, looked ill, it was awkward, we didn't talk, I did insist on a hug goodbye when I left. It kind of helped at the time. I am worried about him though :-(

Comments

[arkady.livejournal.com]

There are certain things I can only get across to people by writing about them; simply because I cannot talk about them. When I'm so wound up inside that I can't speak at all, I can still write.

[lnr]

*nods* IKWYM to a certain extent. Though usually I can find words in time. Curled up in bed in the dark is sometimes easier too somehow, perhaps it's the not having to look people in the eye.

Even if it does get to the stage where I can only write then email is often better than LJ. Especially where people might feel bad that I'm making what is effectively a personal communication via a fairly public method.

[duncanneko.livejournal.com]

The new computer only cost me 160 quid, 165 for a new XP licence would seem daft on top of that.

Or £2 for a blank CD for a copy of Win2k, if you want ;)

[lnr]

Well, I'd quite like to have a legal copy for a change, though I hardly feel very guilty about the ripped off copy of win95 it currently has. But given I only use it for playing games on it's hard to justify 165 quid. Have to somehow resolve this minor dilemma. But I might get back to you, thanks.

Starcraft

[ewx.livejournal.com]

You were fine - you stomped the base in the south at almost exactly the same time as I did the one in the north, and had a proper air force too.

[wintrmute.livejournal.com]

install Linux, which hopefully supports your sound card, and then run either run Starcraft under WINE (http://www.winehq.org/), WINEX (http://www.transgaming.com) (alt link) (http://winex.sf.net), or else use one of the reverse-engineered rewritten-from-ground-up Starcraft compatible clones.

[wintrmute.livejournal.com]

make that http://sourceforge.net/projects/winex/

[lnr]

I am already running Linux. And sound works fine under it. It seems rather daft to run Starcraft under Wine, but I guess I could give it a go at some point when I'm not using the CD drive to rip CDs for the house jukebox.