Well don't do that then

Hurts. Went to pub, quite late having had nice evening with rjk and nice wine with dinner. Had pint of hoegaarden, which was lovely, even if it does feel like drinking out of a vase. Spent too much money on the quiz machine, but had great fun being useless at spot the difference. Gave Jan a greta big hug goodbye, as everyone headed off to Relativity for coffee. Which was cool. And then cried all the way home. Still crying. How can I mean so little to him? Why does it still hurt so much. Please, I just want it to go away,

The morning after

Don't know how late it was before I slept last night, but it was late enough though Richard holding me tight helped. And when I finally got up this morning I was afraid of what I would read when I logged on. Sympathy I don't feel I deserve, and an unnecessary apology for hurting me in a way that wasn't really his fault anyway. How can I keep asking someone to love me when all it can do is hurt them? And yet I do. Feel bad for timing being miserable so badly too, when people are ill and stressed themselves.

Spent the day pottering, pleasant enough. And nice to have #cakes be lively for a change, even if it still feels somehow slightly awkward and wrong now Richard walked out and won't come back. Haircut in the afternoon, pleased with the results, though I am covered in little tiny bits of pink and brown hair. The offcuts on the floor made me smile. Over to Jan's for coffee afterwards and to feed her the redcurrants I'd realised I didn't actually like after all. Stupid to buy them just because they were on special offer and are good on the diet. And a hug goodbye and hopefully some way towards convincing her that I'm happy for her and August, and that if anything it makes me feel better to know they're there for each other, when I can't be.

Had a nice evening since I got back anyway, Starcraft, a nice dinner, coffee and posh chocs curled up with a book and the stereo playing. Computer still arsey to boot in Windows, and it seems there are no drivers for the onboard soundcard in win95, which made the starcraft very odd indeed, I've not played it with no sound before and it's amazing how much you rely on it. Surprised I made an even vaguely respectable stab at staying alive, though rjk was diplomatic about how useless I may or may not have been. May have to upgrade to a later version if I want to get sound working though. And the reinstall would probably fix the boot problems too. Just the question is what do I go for? And how do I afford it at that. The new computer only cost me 160 quid, 165 for a new XP licence would seem daft on top of that.

Other stuff inbetween that I can't talk about here, since I've promised myself not to tell Richard things via LJ if I can help it, and I've been too much of a wimp to mention them. Perhaps oblique references here will make me face up to it though. Quiet sort of mood now. Contemplative, though not exactly unhappy. The calm after a storm perhaps.

Update: I did talk to rjk in the end. And what was it anyway? Just that August appeared at Jan's while I was there, looked ill, it was awkward, we didn't talk, I did insist on a hug goodbye when I left. It kind of helped at the time. I am worried about him though :-(